I.
The first one turned up on a Saturday in August, at the base of the cluster mailbox on Sandpiper Court, and the letter about it turned up before I did.
I found the letter at 5:40 that morning, tucked into the storm door at eye level, folded in thirds with the crease pressed sharp by a thumbnail. Rook found it first, technically. He stopped on the welcome mat and put his nose to the gap between the doors and held it there, the way he used to hold it against the trunk of a car on a traffic stop, and then he looked at me over his gray muzzle as if to say, You'll want to see this.
HERON BEND HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION, it said across the top, in the green serif font the board used for everything from pool hours to the annual holiday luminary schedule. NOTICE OF VIOLATION. Section 7.4(b), Pet Waste in Common Areas. A fresh deposit of pet waste was observed at the Sandpiper Court mailbox island on the morning of August 2. Residents are reminded that owners are responsible for the immediate removal of all waste. A fine of $100 has been assessed to your account. Further violations will be subject to escalating penalties as outlined in the Fine Schedule (Appendix C).
It was signed, in blue ink, Candace Vreeland, President, on behalf of the Board.
I read it twice under the porch light. Then I clipped Rook's leash on, because he and I had a schedule and he did not believe in letting paperwork interfere with it, and we walked down to the mailbox island to have a look.
There was a little sign planted in the mulch beside it, the kind realtors use, except this one was hand-lettered on a paint stir stick: PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOG. And beside the sign, beside the post of the mailbox, sat the deposit in question.
I want to be careful here, because I know how this sounds, and I know that every dog owner in America believes their dog's waste is somehow more innocent than other dogs' waste. But I was an emergency room nurse for thirty-one years at Mercy General in Columbus. I have worked bowel obstructions and C. diff outbreaks and one memorable Fourth of July involving a man, a bet, and a full rack of hot wings. I have cleaned things out of places that would make a plumber sit down. If there is one subject on which I am a credentialed and weary expert, it is what comes out of people.
That had come out of a person.
"Well," I said to Rook. "That's not yours."