On the morning of Saturday, November fourteenth, my husband turned forty years old, and I woke up smiling.
I kept the smile off my face. I let it live somewhere behind my ribs, where nobody could see it. Downstairs, Lorraine was already rolling out pie crust with her cane hooked over the back of a chair. Derek was in the shower, whistling.
"Big day," he called down the stairs.
"Big day," I said, in a voice like a sleepwalker.
By four o'clock the house smelled like roast beef and rosemary. Lorraine had been cooking since dawn. She'd pressed the good tablecloth, the white one with lace edging, and set the dining room table for eleven. She wore a plum-colored dress and her gold cross, and she looked like a woman who believed she was about to save someone's life.
"Sweetheart, you look pale," she said, adjusting my collar. "Let me make you some tea to calm your nerves."
"That would be lovely," I said.
She squeezed my arm. Her hand was trembling slightly.
I'd like to say I felt nothing. I didn't. I felt sorry for her, and I hated that I did.
At six-fifteen, Marisol pulled into the driveway to pick up Eli.
"Auntie Marisol's got pizza and a movie!" she announced brightly, and Eli whooped, grabbed his dinosaur backpack, and hugged me around the waist.
"Bye, Mommy!"
I knelt down. I pressed my face into his hair, and I breathed him in, shampoo and crayons and little boy.
"I love you more than all the dinosaurs in Canada," I whispered.
"That's a lot of dinosaurs, Mommy."
"I know," I said, and my voice broke. "That's how much."
Marisol met my eyes over his head. She gave me a single fierce nod.
Then they were gone, and the house was quiet, and it was time.
The guests arrived at seven.
Derek's younger brother Kyle came first, with his wife Jenna, carrying a bottle of wine and a gift bag. Kyle is thirty-six and soft-hearted and a little afraid of his own mother. He hugged me and said, "You look tired, Nora. Are you okay?"
"Just tired," I said.
Aunt Patrice arrived from Erie in a cloud of hairspray, eyes already glistening. "Oh, Nora, sweetheart, we've been so worried."