You just ask if you can make it through this morning and then this afternoon and then tonight. He paused and most of the time the answer is yes. What if the answer is no? Then you call someone. He looked at her.
That's what the number is for. She looked at him then directly. Fully no deflection. Something in her expression moved and settled like weather passing. You gave me your number two weeks ago, she said.
I know you want me to call you when the answer is no. Emily, he held her gaze. Call me when the answer's no. The train rocked. The city passed.
She looked down at the coffee cup. When she looked up again, her eyes were brighter than they should have been. the kind of bright that means someone is working hard to hold something back. Okay, she said. Okay, he said and that was all. But it was a great deal.
It was Devaroo who brought it up first, which Marcus should have anticipated because Devaroo had a gift for timing that bordered on the supernatural. They were running diagnostics on a signal relay at the South Station Switching yard on a Wednesday afternoon. The kind of methodical work that left too much room for the mind to wander when Devo said without looking up from his panel. You know what I've been thinking about? I never know what you're thinking about.
Marcus said, I've been thinking about how a man can look at something he needs, clearly see that it's good, clearly see that it's available, and still find 12 reasons not to reach for it. Deo turned a dial. Interesting psychological phenomenon, Dev. I'm speaking generally. You're not speaking generally.
The woman, Dearu said, abandoning the pretense. Emily, when are you going to stop acting like what's happening between you two is just a commuter friendship? Marcus focused on his own panel. It's complicated. What's complicated?
Everything. He exhaled through his nose. She's going through something serious with her father. I'm not trying to to what? Be there for her. to make something about me when she has enough to deal with.
Devou put down his tool and turned to face Marcus fully, which was his signal that what was coming next was not going to be gentle. Marcus, listen to me. I have known you for 9 years. I was at Renee's funeral. I watched you hold Amara with one hand and shake hands with every person at that reception with the other.
And I watched you not cry until you thought everyone had gone and I was still in the parking lot. He paused. You have been alone for three years, not because you had to be, because you decided that needing someone was a kind of weakness. Because you decided that the work of being a father was all the self you were allowed. Marcus' jaw tightened.
That's not strength, Dro said. That's just fear with a better name. The word sat in the air between them. Marcus turned it over. He wanted to reject it.
He assembled several arguments against it. He looked at each one carefully and found that it was weaker than the one before. And by the time he'd gotten to the last one, the last one had nothing left in it at all. She lost her mother when she was 16. Dear said more quietly now.
Did you know that? Marcus looked up. How do you know that? Because I talked to Ranata in HR who knows Emily who mentioned it once. He shrugged.
I pay attention. He picked his tool back up. She lost her mother at 16. Now she's losing her father and she's been choosing every single morning to get on a train and sit next to a man who understands what loss feels like from the inside, not just theoretically. Actually, he paused.
You think that's a coincidence? You think that's just a commute? Marcus said nothing. She chose you. Dvau said before you chose anything.
The call came on a Thursday evening at 9:47 p.m. Marcus was in the kitchen cleaning up after Amara's dinner. And when he saw Emily's name on the screen, his stomach dropped before he'd even picked up because it was almost 10:00. And Emily did not call at almost 10:00. And the only reason to call this late when your father was in the hospital was if something had happened, he picked up immediately. Emily, she didn't say anything at first.
He could hear her breathing careful, controlled the breathing of someone who was managing a very specific amount of collapse. He's okay, she said. I just need I just needed to hear a voice that wasn't the hospital. He exhaled. Okay, I'm here.
I've been in that room for 6 hours, she said. And the whole time I've been watching him sleep and thinking about all the things I never said and all the things I should have and how there's never a right time. And then suddenly the right time is gone. And she stopped. He heard her pull in a breath.
Sorry. I know it's late. Emily, stop apologizing. I just I didn't know who else to call. You called the right person.
He moved to the living room, sat down, let the apartment go quiet around him. Tell me about him. Something good. Tell me something good. She was quiet for a moment.
Then he taught me to drive in an empty parking lot in Columbus. I was 15. He let me steer his N,994 Buick and I hit a traffic cone and started crying. And he laughed so hard he had to get out of the car. She paused.