My 5-gallon bucket in the garage was a quarter of the way full of coins. I had spent hours cleaning them, sorting them, and running them through a cheap coin counter I bought on Amazon. I was officially making a profit. But I knew Ashley wouldn't stay quiet for long. The silence from the HOA board was deafening.
It was the calm before the storm. And then the storm arrived on Saturday morning, delivered by the United States Postal Service. I was drinking my coffee on the front porch when the mail carrier handed me a certified letter. I had to sign for it. I scribbled my signature on the electronic pad, took the heavy cream-colored envelope, and immediately noticed the return address.
Pelican's Perch Homeowners Association Board of Directors. I took it inside, threw it on the kitchen counter, and tore it open. It was a formal cease and desist order printed on official HOA letterhead. And it was signed in blue ink by Ashley herself. I read it out loud to my empty kitchen.
Dear Resident, it has come to the attention of the Pelican's Perch HOA Board of Directors that you have been engaging in unauthorized, unapproved, and potentially damaging maintenance activities within the community retention pond, specifically the use of industrial-grade magnetic dragging equipment. This activity violates Section 4, Paragraph B, of the Community Covenants, Conditions, and Restrictions regarding alteration of common landscaping and waterways. You are hereby ordered to cease and desist all extraction activities immediately. Failure to comply will result in an immediate $500 fine levied daily and potential legal action to recover costs for potential damage to the pond's synthetic liner. You are further barred from operating unapproved contracting businesses on residential premises.
I couldn't help it. I laughed. It was a loud, barking laugh that echoed in the kitchen. She was throwing the book at me. She was threatening my wallet, threatening legal action.
Oh, and making claims about a synthetic pond liner that I knew for a fact didn't exist because the pond was dug naturally into the Florida limestone table back in the '80s. I grabbed my phone and took a picture of the letter. Texting it immediately to Dave. "We've got mail." I typed.
My phone rang less than a minute later. "She went for the cease and desist," Dave said, sounding entirely too excited for a Saturday morning. "Classic Ashley overreach. Claiming you're running a business from the house?" "And threatening me with fines for damaging a non-existent pond liner."
I added, leaning against the counter. "She's trying to bury me in paperwork, Dave. She thinks because she has HOA letterhead, she holds all the cards." "Oh, she doesn't know who she's dealing with." Dave chuckled.
"I'm coming over. We aren't just going to respond to this. Wait, we are going to absolutely dismantle it. I've been doing some light reading on the Naples municipal code regarding private water retention facilities." When Dave arrived an hour later, he didn't have his high-vis vest, but he did have his laptop and a thick yellow legal pad covered in chicken scratch.
He slammed the laptop down on the counter, waking up my laptop right next to Ashley's letter. "Okay, here's the play," Dave said, pulling up a PDF document filled with dense municipal legalese. "Ashley is citing the CC&Rs. The CC&Rs govern the contract between you and the HOA, but as an HOA, they are subordinate to the municipal codes of the city of Naples.
And Naples takes its water quality very, very seriously." He pointed to a specific paragraph on the screen. "Naples Municipal Ordinance Chapter 54, Article 4, Section 54-112: maintenance of private stormwater systems. Read it and weep." I leaned in, reading the text.
"All private property owners, including homeowners associations, tasked with the maintenance of stormwater retention lakes, ponds, or swales, shall ensure said waterways are kept free of artificial debris, hazardous waste, and pollutants that may degrade water quality or impede the flow of drainage." I looked at Dave, a slow smile spreading across my face. "They are legally mandated by the city to keep the pond clean of debris." "Exactly," Dave said, his eyes gleaming. "And by throwing a fit about you pulling rusted spark plugs and corroding heavy metals out of the water, Ashley is technically interfering with the mandated environmental upkeep of a municipal stormwater system."
"We are going to write a response letter on my company letterhead." We spent the next hour drafting the most beautifully passive-aggressive, legally dense letter I had ever seen. We addressed it directly to the Pelican's Perch HOA board. We attached a copy of my subcontractor agreement. Dave typed furiously as he dictated.
"To whom it may concern: Dave's Demo and Haul LLC is in receipt of your cease and desist communication dated Thursday the 12th. Please be advised that my registered subcontractor was operating under a binding agreement to conduct a free hazardous metal survey and remediation protocol in accordance with Naples Municipal Ordinance Chapter 54." "Throw her CC&Rs back at her," I suggested, pacing the kitchen. "Find the environmental clause in her own rule book." Dave clicked over to another tab, pulling up the Pelican's Perch bylaws.
"Got it. Section 7, Paragraph A: The association shall maintain all common areas in a clean, safe, and environmentally sound condition." He added it to the letter. "Furthermore, it appears the Pelican's Perch HOA has severely neglected its duties under Section 7, Paragraph A of your own CC&Rs by allowing hundreds of pounds of oxidizing heavy metals to accumulate in the community water supply.
As a licensed contractor, I am professionally obligated to inform you that interfering with active environmental remediation could subject the HOA to severe municipal fines for failure to maintain a private stormwater system." "The kicker," Dave said, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. "We end it with a thank you." "We formally thank the HOA board for allowing Dave's Demo and Haul LLC to conduct this hazardous remediation free of charge to the community. Please note that any further attempts to halt this legally mandated cleanup will be reported directly to the Naples Department of Environmental Services for immediate inspection of the pond's water quality.
Sincerely, Dave." I printed the letter, slid it into a crisp manila envelope, and drove it directly to the local FedEx store. I sent it to the HOA management company's address via certified next-day delivery. I wanted Ashley to have to physically sign for her own destruction. That night, I sat in my garage running the rock tumbler I had bought to clean the most heavily corroded coins.