"For holding you accountable!"
I laughed—not because any of this was funny, but because I had two options: lose my mind, or enjoy the show. And at this point, the show had gone off the rails.
"Karen," I said. "Remove the clamp."
She recoiled. "Absolutely not! You will pay the release fee just like everyone else."
"No one else has ever had a boot on their car."
"Because no one else has ever been this non-compliant!" Her voice cracked at the end, like she was seconds away from throwing herself dramatically onto the ground and demanding a Netflix documentary about her struggles.
"Karen," I tried again. "You cannot impound someone's vehicle, especially not off HOA property."
She smirked. "We'll see what the board says."
I stared blankly. "The board?"
"Yes," she said proudly.
"They authorized this?"
"They did!"
"Yes," she insisted.
At that moment, my neighbor Jill peeked out from behind her curtain and made eye contact with me. She shook her head violently: No, absolutely not. The board did not approve this.
Caught in her lie, Karen pivoted instantly. "Well, they didn't oppose it."
"That's not the same thing."
"It is in spirit!" she declared.
Ah, yes: the HOA spirit, where reality went to die.
I pulled out my phone. Karen stiffened, but tried to hold her ground. I snapped photos of the clamp, her, the driveway, everything.