This is better than cable. The look on Jade's face was priceless. She'd gone from thinking she was in control of the situation to realizing she was completely screwed in about 24 hours. Jade tried calling her parents, but they lived in Florida and couldn't help much.
She tried calling some friends, but most of them were mutual friends who were pretty shocked by the whole situation. The only person who was fully supportive was Skyler, her best friend who'd encouraged this whole therapy confession in the first place. Skyler kept telling Jade that I was being emotionally abusive and that she deserved better, which was rich considering Jade had just admitted to emotionally cheating on me for 5 years. The next few weeks were tense as hell.
Jade would stomp around the house slamming doors and having loud phone conversations with Skyler about what a terrible person I was. Shawn found the whole thing hilarious. It's like watching a reality show, he said one morning while Jade was having a meltdown in the kitchen. Except the main character is completely delusional.
She keeps acting like I'm the bad guy, I said. Bro, she basically told you that you're the human equivalent of a participation trophy and then got mad when you didn't want to display it proudly on your shelf. That's my brother. Always knows exactly how to put things in perspective.
But the real entertainment came about 2 weeks into Jade's eviction countdown. I came home from work to find Skyler sitting in my living room like she owned the place. She was sprawled across my couch drinking what looked like my beer, giving me this smug look like she was about to drop some wisdom on me. "We need to talk," Skyler announced before I'd even put my keys down.
"No, we don't," I said. "And you need to leave.
David, you're being completely unreasonable about this whole situation. Jade made one mistake in therapy, and you're destroying her entire life over it." I looked around for Jade, but she was nowhere to be seen. Probably hiding upstairs while she sent her attack dog to fight her battles. "One mistake?" I asked.
She admitted to thinking about another man every day of our marriage. "So what?
Everyone has fantasies. That doesn't mean anything." Shawn walked in from the kitchen at that moment, took one look at Skyler, and grinned. "Oh, this should be good." Let me guess.
You're here to explain why David should be grateful his wife settled for him. I'm here to tell him he's being a vindictive jerk. Skyler shot back. Jade was being honest about her feelings and instead of working through it like an adult, he's throwing her out on the street.
Working through it, I said. She told me I was consolation prize. What exactly am I supposed to work through? How to be okay with being someone's backup plan?
Oh, boohoo, Skyler said, rolling her eyes. So, your ego got bruised. That's what marriage is. Compromise and accepting that you're not perfect.
Shawn sat down across from her. Lady, I got to ask. Are you actually this stupid? Or is this some kind of performance art?
Excuse me? I mean, you convinced your friend to blow up her marriage by confessing she never loved her husband, and now you're here trying to convince him he should be cool with it. It's like watching someone try to sell fire insurance to a house that's already burned down. Skyler turned red.
Jade does love David. Just because it's not some fairy tale romance doesn't mean it's not real. You're right, I said. It's not a fairy tale.
It's not even a participation trophy. It's more like a tax writeoff, something you keep around because it's useful. That's not fair. What's not fair, Shawn chimed in, is your friend wasting 5 years of my brother's life while she fantasized about someone else.
What's not fair is her suggesting therapy as a way to drop that bomb on him. And you're sitting in his house drinking his beer, trying to make him feel bad for having self-respect. Skyler stood up, clearly getting more agitated. Jade is going through a really hard time right now.
She's losing her husband, her house, everything. The least you could do is show some compassion. Compassion? I laughed.
Where was her compassion when she was comparing me to her ex every day for 5 years? She wasn't trying to humiliate you. She was trying to be honest. Skyler, I said, standing up and walking toward the door.
Get out of my house. What? You heard me. Get out now.
You can't kick me out. I'm Jade's friend. This is my house. I can kick out whoever I want, and right now I want you out.
Shawn was cracking up. "Oh man, this is beautiful." Just then, Jade came running downstairs, probably having heard the whole conversation.
"What's going on," she demanded. "I'm kicking your friend out," I said simply.
"You can't do that. You can't kick out my friends." "Watch me," I said, opening the front door.
"Skyler, you have 30 seconds to get out before I call the cops for trespassing." Skyler looked between me and Jade. clearly expecting Jade to do something. But what could Jade do? It was my house and she was already being evicted. "This is insane," Skyler shouted as she grabbed her purse.
Jade, you don't have to put up with this abuse. Abuse? Shawn said. Lady, you're sitting in a divorced man's house telling him he should be grateful his wife never loved him.
If anyone's being abused here, it's our eardrums. Skyler stormed out, but not before turning back to shout, "Jade, call me. We'll figure this out." After the door slammed, Jade turned on me. "That was completely unnecessary.
Skyler was just trying to help. You're both horrible." Jade shouted before stomping back upstairs. Shawn looked at me and grinned. "Bro, I haven't had this much fun since college.
Your ex-wife and her friend are like a comedy duo. Except they don't know they're the joke." But Jade wasn't done with her surprises yet. Because apparently admitting she never loved me wasn't enough. She had one more grenade to throw.
About 2 weeks into our lovely post-divorce papers living situation, Jade started acting different again. Not devastated different like she'd been since I served her. More like excited different. She was back to being glued to her phone, but now she was being extra sneaky about it.
Taking calls outside, texting in the bathroom, that kind of thing. Shawn and I both noticed it. Your wife's definitely up to something. Shawn said one evening while we were grilling burgers in the backyard.