“But I knew you didn't know.”
There.
Lauren took responsibility for her piece.
“I should have refused to meet Zoe until you were told.”
Renee looked toward her.
“Why didn't you?”
Lauren’s eyes filled.
“Because I had waited fourteen years.”
Honest.
Renee looked down.
Lauren continued.
“That is explanation.”
“Not excuse.”
Renee almost smiled.
“Therapy?”
“Years.”
Good.
Lauren folded her hands.
“I do not want your place.”
Renee immediately bristled.
Lauren saw.
“Wrong sentence.”
“Yes.”
She nodded.
“I don't get to define places.”
“Better.”
Lauren smiled faintly.
“I want whatever relationship Zoe wants that is healthy for her.”
“And for your family.”
Renee looked at her.
“Our family.”
“Yes.”
Lauren took the correction.
Renee asked:
“Why did you place her?”
Lauren’s face changed.
Not dramatically.
Old pain becoming present.
“I was seventeen when I got pregnant.”
“Eighteen when she was born.”
“My mother was sick.”
“My father had been gone for years.”
“Zoe’s biological father wanted nothing to do with parenting.”
“He signed.”
Renee knew that from records.
Lauren continued.
“I had started community college.”
“Was working twenty-five hours a week.”
“I thought about raising her.”
“I really did.”
Renee waited.
Lauren looked at the table.
“Then I visited a daycare.”
“I looked at rent.”
“I looked at what I earned.”
“I realized most of the plan depended on people becoming different than they had ever been.”
“My mother becoming healthy.”
“Her father becoming responsible.”
“My job becoming full time.”
“My school schedule becoming easier.”
Lauren smiled sadly.
“That didn't feel like a plan.”
Renee listened.
“I chose adoption.”
“Do you regret it?”
Lauren took a long time.
“I grieve it.”
“That is not the same thing.”
Renee understood immediately.
Lauren continued.
“I can believe you and Marcus gave her a stable life and still wish I knew what her first tooth looked like.”
“Both.”
“Yes.”
Renee looked toward the window.
For years she had imagined Lauren in only two forms.
Victim or threat.
Neither left room for ordinary complexity.
“Did you stop writing?”
“No.”
Lauren shook her head.
“I stopped sending eventually.”
“After how long?”
“Ten.”
Renee stared.
“I wrote through her tenth birthday.”
“What happened?”
“Too many returns.”
“I did not want to hire someone to find you.”
“That felt invasive.”
“I told myself if Zoe wanted contact someday, records existed.”
Renee nodded.
“Why didn't you use social media?”
“I looked.”
Renee's face changed.
Lauren continued quickly.
“I never messaged.”
“I saw public things.”
“School awards.”
“One family vacation photo.”