"You're upset," she said.
"I'm reading. You're doing the quiet thing."
I put the book down. The Snoqualmie Falls thing. You said you'd try to be back by 3.
Damon had more questions than I expected. It just went long.
Petra, I turned down Singapore for this marriage.
Something shifted in her expression. Don't do that.
Don't do what?
Don't use Singapore as a weapon every time we argue.
I'm not using it as a weapon. I'm telling you that I made a significant sacrifice for this relationship and I feel like it's been completely invisible to you.
I didn't ask you to turn down Singapore. You told me you wanted to stay in Seattle.
I told you what I wanted. The decision was yours.
I stared at her. There was something very precise about the way she'd said it, like she'd been waiting to use that framing for a while.
I want to know where this is going, I said. With Damon, with us. I want to know what we're doing here.
What does that mean?
It means I feel like a roommate in my own marriage, and I want to know if you feel that way, too, or if this is just me.
She crossed her arms. Her jaw set in the way it did when she'd made up her mind about something and was organizing the words.
"Eli," she said. "Damon is my friend. He was in my life before you and he's going to be in my life going forward. If you can't handle me spending time with my ex-husband, maybe we're not right for each other."
I heard it. Sat with it for exactly 3 seconds.
You're right, I said.
She blinked. What?
You're absolutely right. I appreciate you saying that clearly.
I got up, went upstairs, and sat on the edge of the bed for about 20 minutes.
I wasn't angry exactly. I was something else. The feeling you get when a number you've been trying to make work finally resolves itself cleanly.
When the answer is obviously what it is and you stop trying to make it be something different.
Then I picked up my phone and called Ford Gallagher. He answered on the second ring.
Ford, I said, is the Singapore position still available?
A pause. Eli?
I know I passed, but circumstances changed. If it's still open, I want to be considered.
Another pause, longer this time. I'll make some calls, he said. Give me 48 hours.
I didn't tell Petra that night. I thought about it. Thought about sitting her down and saying, "Here's what I just did. Here's why. Here's what that means."
But I realized I didn't want to have a negotiation about it. I'd been negotiating for the better part of a year, negotiating for her attention, negotiating for our weekends, negotiating for the acknowledgement that my feelings were worth addressing.
I was done negotiating.
Ford called back the following Tuesday. The position was still available. They'd been considering internal candidates, but hadn't made a final decision.
My credentials were strong enough that they wanted to proceed. He needed an answer within a week. I said yes.
The process moved quickly after that. Background check, contract review, visa paperwork.
I called my older brother, Theo, who lived in Portland, and told him what was happening. He was quiet for a moment.
How long have you been thinking about this? he asked.
About a year, I said. I just didn't admit it to myself.
You good?
I'm good, I said. I think I've been not good for a while and this is me fixing it.
He said he'd help me figure out the logistics whenever I needed it. That was Theo.
He didn't editorialize, didn't tell me what he thought I should feel, just asked if I needed help and meant it.
I hired a divorce attorney named Carol Ashworth, whose office was on Second Avenue downtown.
She'd been recommended to me by someone at the firm who'd gone through a split two years earlier. She was direct and competent, and she didn't waste my time on sympathy. She wasn't hired to give it.
Washington is a community property state, she said during our first meeting. Given the length of the marriage and the assets involved, here's what to expect.
She walked me through it. I listened carefully and took notes.
Timeline? I asked.
It can move relatively quickly if both parties cooperate. Depends on how your wife responds.
She'll be surprised, I said. I don't know how she'll respond to surprise.