Watching it end 6 days before my flight didn't change the shape it had taken.
Petra, I said, I believe you. And I also believe that you didn't understand how serious this was until I did something you couldn't redirect.
What does that mean?
It means that every time I tried to tell you this was hurting our marriage, you told me I was the problem. The only language that actually communicated the stakes was me leaving.
She was quiet. That's not a foundation, I said. That's not how two people are supposed to work.
People can learn, she said.
They can, I said. I hope you do. I mean that.
She cried again. I sat with her this time, not saying anything useful, just being present, which was the only honest thing left I could give her.
The night before my flight, I was at Todd's place in Queen Anne.
We had a few beers on his roof deck and watched the lights across Elliott Bay going quiet as midnight approached.
The Space Needle was lit up to the south, the way it always is. That weird Seattle landmark that somehow never stops being what Seattle looks like when you picture Seattle.
You feel ready? Todd asked.
I've never been to Singapore, I said. I don't know what ready looks like.
I mean, for all of it.
I thought about the townhouse in East Lake that would be sold by the time I came back. About the mountain view from the upstairs window that I'd probably never see again.
About 6 years of building something with someone and the particular grief of watching it not be what you needed it to be.
Yeah, I said. I'm ready.
We stayed on the roof until almost 1:00 in the morning. He drove me to a hotel near the airport. Sea-Tac is down in Federal Way, about 30 minutes south of the city on I-5, and said he'd come visit once I was settled.
I told him I'd hold him to that.
I was alone in the hotel room by 1:30 in the morning. Flight was at 10:15.
I lay on my back looking at the ceiling in that specific way you do when you're not tired enough to sleep but too tired to do anything useful.
And I thought about the 11 years since I'd taken the job at Meridian and how much of a person's life could accumulate in that time without you noticing the accumulation happening.
I wasn't sad the way I'd expected to be sad. I was something closer to ready.
The text from Petra came at 9:47 the next morning. Hey, what does your weekend look like?