Billy sighed. "She's talking about suing you again. Said she's been researching tenant laws. And I told her to drop it, but she keeps saying you ruined her life."
"She can try," I said, keeping my tone even. "But I've got every receipt she'll ever need to lose."
Two days later, I found out she wasn't bluffing. My lawyer called while I was at work.
"You're going to love this one," he said. "You've officially been served by your ex."
"What now?"
"She filed a claim for emotional distress, illegal eviction, and loss of property. Wants $50,000."
I started laughing. "She announced she was engaged while living in my house rent-free. How is that emotional distress I caused?"
"Relax," my lawyer said. "We'll handle it. I'm drafting a counterclaim for 6 months of back rent, unpaid utilities, and property damage. We'll ask for $28,000 just to make it sting."
"Perfect," I said. "Bill me whatever it takes."
A week later, we were in court. Minerva actually showed up in a beige suit, fake crying before the session even started. She didn't have a real attorney, just some overworked legal aid lawyer who looked like he'd met her 5 minutes before.
When it was her turn to speak, she went on this long rant about psychological warfare, coercive control, and how I weaponized law enforcement. The judge's face was completely blank the entire time.
Then my lawyer stood up, handed the judge a thick folder, and said, "Exhibit A, proof the plaintiff never paid rent, was not on the lease, and publicly announced her engagement to another man while living in the defendant's residence. Exhibit B, police reports confirming voluntary departure. Exhibit C, her own Instagram posts showing she left voluntarily, publicly calling herself newly engaged, and thanking her fiancé for supporting her."
The judge skimmed through it, sighed, and looked at her. "Ms. Martin, this doesn't appear to be an eviction case. It appears you were living rent-free in someone else's home."
She tried to interrupt. "But I have trauma!"
The judge raised a hand. "This is a civil case, not therapy."
Five minutes later, it was over. Case dismissed. My counterclaim was officially logged. Her so-called lawyer looked like he couldn't get out of there fast enough.
By that afternoon, she started posting again, claiming the court was corrupt and money talks. She didn't mention that her own attorney dropped her the same day. I wasn't even mad. I was impressed at how she kept digging the hole deeper.
A week later, my lawyer called again. "Guess where she's living now."
"Let me guess, back with her parents?"