"I'm serious, man. She keeps saying I owe her stability. I've been sleeping on the couch just to avoid being in the same room."
"You proposed to her," I reminded him. "So, I think it's a you problem."
"That was before I knew she was like this. She lies about everything. I'm begging you. How did you get her out so fast?"
It was surreal. The same guy who had shown up at my door yelling about furniture was now asking me for survival tips.
"All right," I said. "You want advice?"
"Yes. Anything. Please."
"Record everything. Audio, video, whatever you can. Keep your phone on you at all times. Don't argue with her. Don't touch her stuff. And if she even hints at calling the cops, you call first. First one to call usually wins."
He went quiet for a second. "That's actually smart."
"Also," I added, "next time don't propose to a woman who still lives with another man."
He didn't even argue. "You're right," he said weakly. "God, I'm such an idiot. Man, I'm so sorry."
"Yep."
He thanked me like I just saved his life, then hung up.
I thought that was the end of it. But 2 days later, Billy called again.
"Guess what your favorite person did," she said, voice half annoyed, half incredulous.
"Let me guess," I said. "Filed another lawsuit?"
"Worse. She told Landon she's pregnant."
I froze. "No way."
"Oh, yeah. Said she took a test and everything. He freaked out, told her he'd do the right thing. But apparently, his roommates weren't buying it."
I didn't say anything, just waited.