My wife had an affair with her supervisor, so I did this. I'm a 32-year-old male and my wife is 20. I have been with my wife for seven years. At first, it was great. She was my soulmate and I was hers. We had similar interests in sports, entertainment, social issues, holiday destinations, etc. We were happy for years.

However, things started to change when my wife became more distant, even slightly colder. Now let me give you some insight. We’ve been together for seven years. For five years, it was, as I said, happy. I felt I was her world and she was mine. We went out with friends, and I would see her always smiling at me. When we talked to her friends, she would take care of me when I was sick, as I did with her.

She would back me whenever needed. She was my rock, my best friend, my one and only. We would do many things together like hiking, camping, wildlife resorts. Same interests. Go to watch the football. We had a passion for each other. I never wanted her to change. When I first met her, she was beautiful—brunette, curly hair, stunning smile, and so nice. She always implied the same with me.

She made me feel special. Not once did I feel inadequate or insecure about myself. As I said, for over five years it was great, but things started to change when her new supervisor started at her work. I'm calling him Marges, 30. At first, she would come home and talk about Marges. She would say that he’s funny and makes people feel good. Of course, I was slightly taken aback at first because she would usually come home and ask about my day and hers.

She immediately talked about Marges straight away. However, at the time, I brushed it off as someone new at her work. She sees the same faces for years, so when Marges showed up it was refreshing. Weeks passed, and my wife seemed to be more distant and secretive. She would go out to work nights, which didn’t bother me, as she went on plenty before. However, we were meant to go out to a mutual friend's house for drinks. He’s in a bad way; he has been diagnosed with a severe disease.

My wife, as I said, is usually a rock, really empathetic and supportive. So when we found out about our friend Daniel, 32, we didn’t hesitate to go over and show our support. The night came to an end, and my wife was running late from work. I called her a few times and got no answer. I texted her. No answer. After waiting, I decided to go to Daniel’s myself.

At Daniel’s, I talked about how he’s adapting and coping during that time. I felt for Daniel—such a nice guy to have this as cruel. Afterwards, I got home and I’m seething. My wife is still not home. No missed calls or texts. Seriously, I couldn’t believe it. I was getting worried she had been in an accident, so I called her work colleague Jane, 28. I got on with Jane and asked her if Kelly, my wife, is out with her.

Jane said that she is, but Jane went home, and it was just Marges left out. I was angry, so angry. We have known Daniel for years, and she would skip meeting our friend for a guy she just met. I kept telling myself there was an explanation for this. I waited until she got home. Eventually, she arrived home and saw me in the living room looking at her.

"What's wrong? Everything okay?" I looked at her in bemusement and said, "Daniel." She looked mortified. "I’m sorry, I forgot. I was out with work friends and lost track of time." She looked sincere. Her and Daniel are good friends, so maybe she did forget. I did ask her a question. "Who was out with you?" She replied, as usual, Jane, Sophie, 30, etc. I replied, "Not Marges?" "Oh yes, he was there." I pressed on, remembering what Jane said. "Did everyone stay out until the end?" She replied, "Yes, it was a good night."

The next day, I’m angry. I don’t say anything to my wife, but she has never lied to me before. She has never let anyone down before. I couldn’t grasp that she would bail on our sick friend for a guy she just met. The next few days, my wife was becoming more distant. She would come home later and not be affectionate toward me. I still put this down to workload, maybe, but when she got home she would be on her phone constantly.

I asked her, "Who is it that you’re always texting?" "Just a friend from work," she said. I asked her, "Is it Marges?" "No," she said. "But what’s the problem if it is?" I never saw my wife get defensive like this. I replied, "Because you never shut up about him. He’s been working with you for under a month, and you seem to idolize him. Your face sparkles when you talk about him so much you forgot about Daniel." I could tell I hit the spot. She replied, "No, I do not idolize Marges. He’s nice but just a friend, and I apologized to Daniel already."

This wasn’t enough. I waited until she was asleep and checked her phone. To my surprise, it was full of sex messages between them. I took photos of the conversation for later. A week has passed, and it’s still continuing—the late nights, the lack of affection. I spoke to a friend about my concerns, and he said maybe I’m being paranoid.

I tried to do something new, like make her a surprise dinner. I liked that idea, so I texted my wife and asked her if she was busy after work. She replied, "No, I’m free." It seemed to be a nice text conversation, so I made her dinner, got a nice bottle of wine and flowers. She got home and looked sad at me. She said she’s really sorry, but a friend from work is organizing his surprise birthday party for a colleague, and that night is the only night they have.

I shook my head in frustration and anger. She literally left right after. This was it. After months of suspicion, I needed proof. I know you must read this and say to yourselves, "Friend, can you not see the signs?" I could, but I was hoping, hoping that I’m wrong, hoping that it was a bad dream. The truth is, I was scared to find out, but I had to. I needed proof.

I wasn’t proud of it. I put a tracker in her car. I pretended to be at work late so she didn’t see me when she got home. She did arrive home. I watched from a distance, and she set off again in her car. I followed her as she went further out of town. She eventually pulled into a car park that was secluded in the corner. She was waiting until another pulled up next to her. It was him—Marges. She got out and got into his car. It was obvious what they were doing. I recorded her getting into his car for evidence against her.

For the next few days, she acted like everything was fine. I mean, I know that she doesn’t realize I know, but she was acting like normal, smiling to me, even holding my hand at breakfast. She left to go to work. I had a day off and decided to snoop on the laptop to see anything suspicious. There was nothing, but when I was looking through her drawers, I saw an iPad under her bottom drawer. It wasn’t mine, so I assumed my wife bought it.

Luckily for me, it didn’t need a password. I don’t know if she forgot to lock it, but I got lucky. I got in and looked. Now this is where the damage really hurts. I looked at the iPad and checked to see text conversations. There was nothing. However, what I was about to see I will never, ever forget. There was a folder of pictures of my wife naked, making sexual positions for him. There were so many. But there was more. There were videos.

I know I shouldn’t have looked at them, but I did. The videos were graphic. Marges is sleeping with my wife, and my wife is enjoying it. But that is not all. My wife was seen sleeping with another woman and another man with Marges there, but the other man was someone who really made me sick. He is a bigot. He had vile tattoos of certain groups who are vile. Like I said, a vile human being. It seemed that Marges agreed with his views, which was fitting.

I couldn’t believe it—my wife being with a man who held bigoted views. This was a woman who detested any form of bigotry, as did I. So why would she do this? What did she see in him? It was seeing her being fully complicit that really got to me.

During our marriage, we always talked about fantasies, but never acted on them. As a man, it was threesomes, etc., but my wife said she would never do it, never sleep with another woman, or do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. I accepted that without a second thought. It didn’t bother me that she didn’t want to do it. I loved her, so to see her doing things that she never did with me hurt—hurt really bad.

I watched all the videos. I know I’m stupid. I copied the videos and pictures to my laptop for evidence of infidelity because that’s all that matters. I want her gone. I just don’t know why she did it. I don’t know why she refused me the fantasy route, if you will. What made him so special? Why was she into a man that I thought she despised because of what he represented?

Anyway, I spoke to Daniel about everything. He is a great man and a friend. He couldn’t believe I was talking about my wife. He was disgusted with her, but noticed her change as well. I told him that I want a divorce. He understood. He said I have enough to back me. He told me that confronting her and him is pointless because she has already made up her mind. He said that I need a fresh start and to find someone who is themselves, not a mirage of a woman I married like myself.

Daniel hates vile racists and shook his head that my wife did this. Daniel has known my wife a lot longer than me. After speaking to Daniel, it made me feel like I was in control. For months, I felt that she was in control. I was afraid to find out the truth. I didn’t confront her more sternly when I was suspicious because I was afraid of the outcome. At the time, I didn’t know if I wanted to leave her or make it work, but after the videos, pictures, and texts, I damn well knew what I must do.

I went to the lawyers to file for a divorce. I had enough. My wife was still acting normal, still on the phone constantly, still going out late—I assume with him. I didn’t care. I had to wait three weeks for the papers to come through. I got them. I decided to move out. Luckily, we rented, and our lease was running out in three months. I was prepared to pay until then.

Anyway, I wanted to move out. So the day came. She went to work. I made up that I had to go in later to cover for being short-staffed. She shrugged and said, "Okay." No goodbye hug or kiss. Still, that hasn’t happened for months, so I was used to it. She left. I packed up my essentials and put the divorce papers on the kitchen table along with my wedding ring. That was it.

I stayed with my friend from university, Adam, who lived in another city. I was grateful, but more grateful that it was far from her, the city, our same social circle. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I told my parents what happened, and they were shocked but fully understood. I obviously didn’t tell them every little detail; there was no need. All I can think of at the moment is that I’m free. My wife would, I assume, agree, as it was clear that Marges is the one she wants. I hope that we get a quick divorce. I really do.

Later that night, my phone was blowing up with calls and texts. It was my wife. I was surprised because I honestly thought that this was what she wanted as well, but it seemed that I couldn’t be more wrong. I didn’t speak to my wife. I had no interest in it. I read her messages, and all of them consisted of "I’m sorry," "I love you," "please, can we talk," etc. This lasted for hours. I blocked her number and deleted all my social media accounts.

I spoke to my lawyer about my wife signing the divorce, but she hasn’t signed. She did contact me through email. I wanted to have some way of communication because I still want the divorce. She sent me an email again saying sorry a number of times and that we needed to talk. I replied, "No. All I want is the divorce." She replied that she doesn’t want one. I am the man she only loves, and Marges meant nothing.

It’s funny because I never mentioned to her why I left, but she obviously knows why. Her guilty conscience and seeing her plead for forgiveness was actually satisfying. I spoke to Adam, and he said I could stay as long as I wanted. I am thankful for him, but he did say that I would have to meet her eventually. He said that I left without having answers, and no matter how hard you try, eventually you will need to hear them.

Inside, I was disagreeing with Adam. Why should I talk to her? Why did she give little regard to my feelings for months? She didn’t care about me. She cares about her sick friend Daniel, but she didn’t care. So why would I talk to her? I know that deep down I’m being stubborn but also angry that my wife is trying to reconcile. I honestly, honestly thought she would have signed and moved on with him. This has me mixed up, and even more mixed up now, she wants to meet.

I have a therapist who is excellent. I talked about the affair, the pictures, the videos—all of it. I mentioned that my wife wants to meet up before she signs. My therapist was blunt. She said that when I left without telling her why, deep down I wanted her to plead and worry. I kept telling myself she wouldn’t care, but deep down you want her to care. You want her to feel pain like she did to you.

However, meeting her would take some of your control. She was right. She added: if you decide to meet in person, you must ask the difficult questions even if you don’t like the answer, because you do have questions, and you are not moving on at all. You are running away because you are scared, and the last seven years were a lie. Like she said, blunt.

That was two days ago. My wife really wants to meet and is inclined that she won’t sign without meeting first. I spoke to my parents and close friends about it. My dad said that you could force the issue of her signing, but that could take months. But if she’s willing—no guarantee to sign after you talk—then it’s worth it. Adam agreed. I decided to meet my wife. Although, to say I’m nervous is an understatement. Seeing her, seeing him in my mind, I would lose focus and control.

I drove up to the beach early, really early. I took in the surroundings. The sun was out, people were taking their morning stroll. I picked a nice venue. Out of nowhere, I turned to see my soon-to-be ex walking towards me. She was smiling. She looked great, definitely glammed up, although slightly worn out and stressed. No sympathy. She approached and tried to hug me. I put my arm out as to say no. She looked at me as in an "I understand" kind of way.

We sat down and settled. She tried to start small talk, but I wasn’t interested. I had my phone on record and started: "When did you first kiss him?" "The first week, on Friday." "When did you first sleep with him?" "The same day, Friday." "Where?" "At his place." "Did you ever do it in my bed?" "Does it matter?" I looked at her and said, "About the email, answering everything I stated." She started to tear up. She said it was a number of times.

Our neighbor saw him but rightly thought he was a work colleague. They thought nothing of it. She apologized already and kept apologizing, but I put my hand out for her to stop. I asked my other questions. "Did you tell him about me, about you being married?" "Yes, but at the time it was a blur." My therapist asked me to ask a specific question: "When you first met Marges, how early was it that he talked about me?" "What do you mean?"

"It’s simple. When you talked, what did he ask you about me? Did he want to know how long we were married? Were we happy, etc.?" After a pause: "Yes, he did ask about our marriage and if we were happy." "Why didn’t that strike you as odd? You met a guy you hardly know, and he’s asking personal questions about our marriage." "No, I think he was just being generally curious. I didn’t think of it as being weird."

After asking a number of small questions, I decided to go for the big ones. I decided to ask her about the videos and pictures. However, I did it in a nonchalant way. I referenced a racist attack near us at a local store. "Did you hear about the incident last Thursday?" "What incident?" "The bigots who attacked the shopkeeper and trashed his store, not before spraying hateful graffiti everywhere."

"That’s awful." "Yep, it is. I can’t stand racists, can you?" She looked at me with a confused expression. I didn’t say anything. Then it seemed to grasp exactly what I meant. She knew that I know about the pictures and videos. She started to cry again.

I pressed, "Why would you even go near men like that?" She’s red-faced from crying, trying to compose herself. "It’s not what it looks like or what you think." "What do I think? What was it about this man that would make you disrespect your grandfathers in World War II, or bail out on your friends and treat me like I’m a piece of crap?"

At this point she was shaking. She looked at me, watery-eyed, but answered, "He was the new boss in her department. He was open and funny. He made people feel good about themselves. A lot of women liked him, even after starting. He had it. But when he started to take an interest in me, I felt like he chose me."

"What the hell does that mean?" I said. "You want honesty, and I need to be honest. When we started talking, he made it clear that he was only interested in me." I interrupted and said, "After a couple of days?" "Yes, that’s what I’m saying. He had a way immediately to make someone be happy. And even more, I felt great when I saw him looking at me from across the office room. I felt great when he spoke to me, saying ‘You’re the only interesting person here.’ Like I said, I felt he chose me."

"What? I don’t get it." "He was a kind of drug that I couldn’t shake off." "Again, I know it’s pathetic, but give me a second," she said. "When he talked to me and gave me compliments, I was stunned but really flattered. My confidence went from 60 to 10 thousand. I thought to myself, this man could have anyone, but he told me it was me. Constantly, he could tell it was me."

"What was you?" "I don’t get it." "He made me feel that I was the one. I was the one that he was meant to be with. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m being honest." "Continue," I said. "I can’t deny I was attracted to him. It was obvious. I see that now."

"Wait, you thought you were hiding it?" "Well, at the time, yes. At the beginning he flooded me with compliments. Other girls were jealous of me. I got a rush from it. The more I saw of him, the more I wanted… wanted. I wanted to feel like a queen. I know that you treated me so well, I was lucky. But Marges, at the time, was just another level. I got a buzz from seeing jealous women being envious of me."

"I did ask for honesty," she continued. "In my view, I thought to myself, I’m so lucky to have this man. But the longer I was with him, the more he changed, but I couldn’t stop it." I asked her what she meant. "He was specific in what he wanted. He got to know me unconditionally. He got me to do the opposite of what I liked. Those videos and pictures were his idea. And yes, I know his friends’ ideology, but I didn’t want to challenge him or Marges because I didn’t want to upset him. He had a way of saying, ‘If you can’t make me happy, someone else will.’ He had this ‘Do you know how lucky you are?’ attitude."

"At the time, I panicked. I went to extreme lengths to keep him happy. I wanted to make him happy, and nothing else mattered. So, at the time, I did anything for him." I replied, "Of course I did. And about the fantasies, I know, I know, I know." "But," she said, "as I said, he was a drug that I couldn’t shake off. The more I saw him, the more I wanted. He made me believe that you were the bad guy. He made me believe that you were holding me back and that you didn’t respect me. I know it’s not true."

She was in tears again, but that’s why I did everything—everything he told me to do. Even after he was criticizing you, I couldn’t fight back because I was hooked. And that makes it okay with how you treated me—bailing on dinner, bailing on camping, seriously. "No, I’m not asking for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it, because I know how I treated you. I was a nasty [__] to you, and I will never forgive myself. But I did it."

Bailing on dinner, etc., I knew I was hurting you, but I couldn’t stop. He kept telling me that I deserve more than you and that I should be treated like a queen. So the more I went out to high-class restaurants, VIP theater shows, the fancy jewelry, the more I resented you. But each time he did it, he always mentioned you and your failure. So I obviously bought into it, and that’s why I was cold toward you. I thought you failed me and he didn’t.

I know it’s not true, but during that time he was influential, and I believed everything he said. She continued: "It was only when I saw the papers and ring that something clicked in me. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m finished with Marges straight away. I know I don’t deserve credit for it, but I really am ashamed of what happened. I can’t imagine what it was like for you. I know I neglected you, made you feel worthless, but I couldn’t see it before I did. After I saw the papers, I’m ashamed that I took this vile man over you."

I looked at her. I didn’t expect her answers, but she seemed sincere. I replied: "Aside from your affair, you know what the problem is. At the beginning, you wanted the affair because you said he chose you, you said he was a drug. But millions of people get themselves out of drugs; they realize that they have problems and get help. You didn’t. You carried on. The only reason you’re here is because I am your safety net, and now it’s gone. There’s no way a spouse can say ‘I love you’ when you make them feel inadequate."

She claimed she didn’t. "No, you did. For 11 months, you made me feel worthless. As you know, I was eating, becoming more reclusive, and losing myself, all the while you were going out every night, going to the gym, buying new clothes, being a different person. You came home and looked at me with disgust. During that time, you didn’t let me touch you or anything. You didn’t give me anything but abuse."

"Abuse?" "Yes, you did abuse me mentally. Maybe you didn’t think you were doing it, but damn, you did it. My best friend and soulmate made me hate myself." She’s in tears again. It got that bad that I was thinking… I didn’t say it, but you get the picture. At this point, she is crying heavily and apologizing so much that I forgot we were at the beachfront. People were watching, and I had to tell her to breathe.

She got her composure back and kept pleading. It was him feeding her the toxic thoughts against me. I did have one last question: "Do you love him?" "No, I don’t. I know that you won’t believe me, but I actually hate him as much as I hate myself." After a few hours of talking, she left saying everything was true. I was the love of her life, etc. I sat by the beach thinking about the possibility of her being groomed, conditioned, etc.

I mean, it makes sense. After she met him, she changed—totally changed. There was a reason why my therapist wanted to ask that question, although she can’t diagnose Marges. But she thinks he has sociopathic tendencies; hence why he asked about her marriage. She said it’s clear that he had an agenda, asking about my marriage to my wife so early. The signs are there. He did choose my wife. He knew that I was happily married and solid. The challenge was simply to break up and ruin lives, as sociopathic people do.

Marges would never have been with a single girl because there was no challenge. But with my wife, it wasn’t just her he was controlling. She was—well, her friends and family. He turned her into everything your wife is against and makes sure she did. He turned you, through your wife, into a depressed loner. She continued: "That’s why you never confronted her after the texts and videos. You didn’t have the evidence at all." That’s what he and your wife did. He pulled the strings, but your wife willingly played along. Sociopaths like to manipulate and control the narrative.

When you followed your wife to the parking lot, he probably knew you would follow her. If you confronted them there, most likely your wife would take his side, and thus he would have won. People who have sociopathic tendencies have no empathy. They are driven by seeing others suffer by their hand. Is there some truth to that? My wife a victim of a sociopath? It fits. But a part of me doesn’t care. Well, part of me cares, fully at times. Who was this guy? I kept telling myself I never saw one man come in with such authority and ruin people’s lives. But deep down, he was the package.

He was a boss making decent money. He was 30 but looked 21, great physique and confidence that would make women turn right. But maybe my soon-to-be ex was right, and she finished with him that day I left. Because after I left, my neighbor said to me that Marges kept coming around to my house, demanding to talk to my soon-to-be ex. He apparently did this a number of times, as my wife said when we met. He was acting like a physically abusive husband. My therapist said sociopaths cannot accept rejection, especially when they don’t have control.

My wife dumped him, and he became erratic. Why? My therapist said it’s simple: your wife chose you over him. Lucky me. He manipulated her for under a year, and she still had the strength to finish it. That undoubtedly derailed his plans.

I contacted HR about my wife and him. Turns out other people contacted HR as well. It seems that the affair news is spreading. He left shortly after my wife and I spoke. I don’t know where. I don’t care. My wife also left before she was pushed. Apparently, people are not too happy with her and her behavior, especially her parents. She is staying with her parents and relocating.

She is getting help with a psychologist, which she definitely needs. I still speak to her family and our friends. They try to say that I should meet my soon-to-be ex again, but that’s not happening. She needs to concentrate on herself, getting better. Her family said that Marges did a huge number on her. The divorce will be finalized in a few weeks. I know some people said she won’t sign after the meeting, but I had to go. I had to know why she did it. I had to know.

Do I feel better? In a way, yes. My wife was as honest as she could be. I think the pattern of the affair makes sense. My soon-to-be ex asked if there is a chance of reconciliation. Eventually, I have to admit I thought about it, even if she is a victim of a master manipulator. How can I trust her? If I took her back, all I would be thinking about is him and how I cannot measure up compared to him. I would feel second best no matter what.

She assures me that it’s not the case. That I have always been her soulmate. Even after she said it, my life with her wouldn’t be the same. I suppose the moral of the story is that cheating is obviously wrong. It affects and damages the partners more, so cheaters are truly selfish. They only own up if they’re caught or leave divorce papers on the kitchen desk. I certainly won’t marry again. The damage of the affair has hurt me deeply. I still feel inadequate about myself, that I’m not good enough.

Although I have been going to the gym again, hiking and camping with friends, I’ve been trying to stay active, trying to move on. But I have to do this. Hate, hate my soon-to-be ex. Easily falling for him, and him choosing my wife. Why did it have to be her? I kept telling myself. But these questions I ask myself are pointless because it’s done now. The damage has been done, and it still hurts. I still have my job. Moving to the outskirts of the town is good. I’m not one of those people who move thousands of miles away, although I get it.

My work and social circle have been good to me, and I don’t want to lose it. If I relocated completely, then I feel they won and I refuse to be a victim. My therapist said that it will take time. Time to heal. Just be patient. Well, that’s it. There isn’t much to update, so this will probably be my last post. I want to thank everyone who posted on the last blog. All your comments, I took on board and fully appreciate it.

Salvador M1 starts us off: "You, sir, you are the ultimate alpha. The way you handled the situation was just flawless. Also, what an amazing therapist you have. Keep her and keep on healing. I’m sure you will." Kranak closes us out: "While I believe that her manipulation and conditioning played a role in what she did, it still doesn’t change that she made a decision to cheat on you all the way on the first Friday with him. At that time, she wasn’t manipulated or conditioned.

Those things take time. Even more, as she has been a loving and caring wife before, no, she wanted this to happen and made a decision not to break up with you, but to cheat on you early on. She made the decision that this guy is more important to her than you are, which finally set her up to get conditioned by him. That he was even able to condition her was only based on her own decision because she wanted him. The humiliation and abuse you experienced afterward from her might have come from her being manipulated, but the first decision to cheat on you only happened because she made a conscious decision to do so.

I applaud you for being able to meet with her and to even listen to all she said. I don’t think that many could have done that. Stick to your decision: divorce from her and after that never see her again. If there was ever a case where the damage done was just too much to be repaired, then it is here. Take your time, focus on your healing, and be proud of yourself for getting yourself out of that abuse.

That is what I want you to take away from this: for yourself. In a time of great hurt, when the person you cherish the most betrayed you on such a deep level, you stood up for yourself and did what you had to do to get out of there, and in your case, you even did it with your dignity intact. You are worth so much more than to be treated this way."