Anyway, we got married youngโ19 years old. We had our first child at 21. We became husband/wife and mom/dad very young, and that was who we were. She was always a great mother and wife. She says she was still so young and very spoiled, selfish, had a sense of entitlement, and had some resentment that she was so off the market at 21 as a wife and mother, even though all her friends were still out there getting all kinds of attention from guys and sowing their wild oatsโsomething she felt she had cheated herself out of, but didn't regret marrying me that young because she loved me with all her heart and didn't want to lose me.
She said neither one of them ever even once talked about leaving their families to be together; they were each other's escape from routine family life. She tells me that she knows her words don't mean crap to me and that she's a liar that did a horrible thing, but that if I'm to really listen to anything, then I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that her heart has only ever belonged to one person in her life, and still does, and that's me.
She said she has never regretted being my wife and mother to our kids, and that it has been the joy of her life. She says there is no way she can magically fix this, and if she could go back in time and talk to her younger self, she'd tell her: "Don't do this horrible thing. What you think is harmless could ruin your life."
She keeps telling me it was stupid; it was 100% her fault. She was stupid, selfish, immature, and did a horrible thing to me and our family. She said I didn't deserve it, and if I can't be married to her anymore that it would kill her, but she would understand and only wants what is best for me. She said whether we stay married or not, that she will love only me until her last breath.
She had some very meaningful talks with her sister when she was staying with them, and her sister told her that she was a huge spoiled brat back then, that she's seen her grow into a wonderful woman over the years, but it was time to face the music, be 100% honest about everything, and throw herself on the mercy of the court. She has been doing that.
One thing bugging me is people that know, including my wife and children, are treating me like a man that just got a terminal cancer diagnosis. They're really sorry and don't know what to say, so they're just overly sympathetic to me. I understand; I wouldn't know what to say to someone in this position.
Yesterday, my wife asked if I even wanted to acknowledge our anniversary. She said she'd like to do something nice for me if I would allow it, but she totally understands if I don't want to recognize it.
I said: "Don't be silly. We're going to our favorite Mexican restaurant like we have done for years. We still made it to 33 years; we just have new life challenges to figure out, which we will."
That brought a short and quick smile to her face, and then made her cryโsob uncontrollably is more like it. She does that a lot these days. Her sister has told her to knock that off, which she's trying to do.